life junk

027. Patrick Bateman

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TW: Lots of dark humor, an American Psycho clip (featuring man butt), some swears and the term “man butt”

I’ve been thinking about American Psycho a lot lately. It may be my mind’s way of reminding me to re-watch it to see if it still holds up. While I have the entire movie memorized from constant viewings in my early-twenties, one scene keeps nagging at me. The opening.

If you’ve spent time on the internet, I’m sure you’ve probably seen it–either in a clip pulled from YouTube or in gif form– it’s Patrick Bateman’s morning routine. Christian Bale in tighty-whities doing stretches showing off all of the effort Patrick puts into maintaining appearances.  It’s narrated in great detail. Patrick telling us about his skincare routine and the products he uses to appear human, even though according to him, he’s not.

For some reason this scene has popped up in my mind a lot lately. Not because of the man butt that appears here and there as he gets ready for the day to go on about his life as a generic Wall Street dude, but because of his process of becoming human. I am not a monster. I have no desire to harm others or feed a stray cat to a hungry ATM. But I identify with Patrick Bateman’s long process to become human (this is a statement I never thought I’d say).

I suffer from migraines. I’ve talked about them on this blog before. I’ve had them since I was 13 (thanks puberty!) and have been dealing with them ever since. Things were really bad when I was first diagnosed with them–a lot of doctor’s visits and missed school days– but things tapered off into my teens and early-to-mid twenties. I’d get one whenever I’d accidentally stumble across a trigger and I knew how to deal with them (tons of water, pain meds and sleep).  

But something changed in my late twenties. After seeing a new neurologist in hopes of finding a different medication that didn’t make me drowsy so I could function at work, things spiraled out of control. The frequency and intensity of my migraines escalated and were accompanied with new symptoms like light sensitivity, sensitivity to different smells and vomiting.

At one point, I had some form of headache for nine months straight. Nine months of seemingly endless, unrelenting pain. I went to various doctors in hopes of trying to find something that would help. I was prescribed medications used to treat epilepsy*. As a result of the anticonvulsants, I developed a shiny new symptom! I have difficulty expressing myself verbally. Either I slur or stutter or have difficulty getting out my thoughts. As someone who loves to talk, it’s embarrassing. I have been dealing with this for nearly four years and bruh, I’m tired.

This brings me back to Patrick Bateman. Much like him, I put a lot of effort into appearing human. An enormous amount of effort is put into pretending I’m the thirty, flirty, and thriving woman I’m supposed to be instead of the thirty, flirty and (possibly) dying woman that I am. I take great care of my skin, my makeup is on point and I dress like the world’s oldest (and cutest) teenager. All of this is done to mask the physical pain I wake up with often. With migraines, you can never tell what kind of day you’re going to have. You can spend an entire day avoiding known triggers only to have a secret one spring up and have you spending the next two days in bed in a dark room. [INSERT APPLICABLE FORREST GUMP QUOTE HERE].

For a while things were getting better, I only had to deal with the speech issues but lately, my migraines are back and they’ve come to fuck shit up. They’re interfering with work to a point where I was asked if I had considered a “desk job” that  would lack the physical demands of the retail. This person meant no harm and asked the question out of genuine concern but I couldn’t help but to laugh sadly to myself at the irony. Once upon a time, I had a “desk job.” A desk job with benefits that could’ve become a career.

My migraines took it from me.

Why would a company keep an unhealthy person when you could just hire a healthy replacement? This recent exchange at my current job has me asking this question again. While I hope my health doesn’t cost me yet another position I enjoy doing, I know it may be a reality. I’ve been looking into work-from-home jobs just in case I begin to start having more bad days than good (which is honestly terrifying) only to realize, many may require customer service-esque tasks that I wouldn’t be able to complete if I’m having trouble speaking. I’m at a loss for what to do next but I know one thing that’s been a constant through all of this: writing.

I wrote the first draft of the Dia of the Dead sequel while practically bedridden back in summer 2014. I’m currently revising with hopes of publishing it in August or September. I’m also working on other projects that I hope turn out to be something good. If I can pretend to be a pain-free human, then I for-damn-sure can pretend to be a pain-free writer.

*Anticonvulsants can be used to treat migraines. It’s not uncommon.

023. I’ve Been Gone For a Minute….

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Hi!

So it seems like I’ve let an entire year pass since I’ve last updated my blog. For those of you who’ve read my handful of entries and were disappointed by the lack of updates… I’m sorry.

We’re just a few days into the new year and as they say, “new year, new me!” As we venture into 2016, I’ve made the decision to document my random thoughts on life, writing and my writing life a bit more often. I know I’ve said this pretty much every year for at least the last ten years but this time I mean it. Seriously. I want to grow as a writer and blogger and the only way to do that is to actually write something…right?

With that out of the way, let’s take a moment to recap 2015.

I made mention of my health issues in various posts made in 2014. I experienced migraines I wouldn’t wish on my enemies. I was in too much pain to do anything other than hang out in bed. Though my migraines (and subsequent focal seizures) impacted my ability to do many things I’d taken for granted prior to experiencing them, I was able to complete a first draft of the sequel to Dia of the Dead. It seemed my creativity flowed more freely while not being able to do much else.

Though 2014 was probably the worst year of my life, it was a “character building” year that made me appreciate 2015. I found a new job, made new friends, discovered new interests, and allowed myself to be more open to experience new things. I also finished another draft of Dia of the Dead 2 (that’s totally not the name of it). Things in 2015 definitely came up Milhouse for the most part.

2016 is a new year and I don’t want to think of it as “2015 the EP” but framing it that way may be helpful in my growth. I want to learn more. Write more. Be more. Those are my goals and maybe blogging more often will help me keep track of where I am, where I’ve been and where I’m going. As an author and as a person. I look forward to working on new projects, collaborating with others and most importantly, publishing the second Dia of the Dead novel.

And with all of that said, I’d like to thank everyone who has taken time to read Dia of the Dead. I hope you enjoyed it. I’d like to especially thank Dos Twinjas–Guinevere and Libertad– for all of their support. They’re awesome and you should check out their book Mark of Noba now available here.

 

Brit

 

019. Honest To Blog

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Nearly everyday I sit down in front of my MacBook and open WordPress with the intention of updating my blog. Then almost immediately, I close the tab and go find something else to do online. It’s as if I’ve come down with a sudden case of writer’s block which isn’t a good thing for a so-called writer.

Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about why I have so many unfinished blog entries collecting dust in my drafts. And I think I’ve reached a conclusion.

I have no idea if this blog should be about me or about my work.

Something I enjoy doing while avoiding updating is checking out other author’s blogs. I’ve noticed a couple of things. Either their blogs are industry based–containing entries about their current works, the craft of writing and book reviews. Or their blogs are more personal–entries dedicated to personal interests such as TV reviews or things that are on their minds. In the past, I’ve dedicated posts to the latter of the two trends. I’ve shared stories about personal experiences (bullying), beliefs (feminism), favorites (My Mad Fat Diary), and life as a writer (those other sporadic updates). Yet I’m still hesitant when it comes to blogging (and engaging in social media for that matter).

In all the research of the writing life I’ve done over the years, one topic that has come up often is branding. What is your author brand? What can readers expect from your work? From the pieces you publish to your blog to your social media presence–each aspect is important to your brand. While thinking about this, I’ve realized I’ve never sat down and determined what my brand is or what it should be. What can you all as my readers expect from me?

While reflecting on this question, a word that immediately came to mind was “transparency.” I’d like to be transparent with you all. What you see is what you get. In moving forward, I’d like to strive to make online/author presence align with who I am offline, in real life. I believe I will continue to post the types of entries I’ve posted in the past. Just more often. Meaning you will see a lot more posts here about things that tickle my fancy as well as my life as an indie author. This goes for social media as well. I apologize in advance for the abundance of Star Trek-related tweets.

018. I’m Alive!

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Hey guys!

It’s been a while since I’ve updated and I apologize. September and October (so far) have turned out to be crazy busy months for me. Between writing, keeping up with Big Moon Press, and continue to deal with chronic migraines (with the awesome added bonus of focal seizures), I haven’t had a chance to blog much. I do have a couple of updates I’d like to share with you all though.

  • Dia of the Dead is available for purchase!!!!!! You can get a paperback here or an e-book for your kindle here. Support an indie author and buy a copy!
  • Big Moon Press is accepting submissions. For more about our submission process, please click here.
  • I’m working on a cool project with my business partner/writing homie, Cara. I can’t wait to see how it shapes up.
  • I finally have my idea for NaNoWriMo. Hopefully I’m abale to pull it out.

I’m going to try to get back into blogging since I have a shotty track record with it. I think establishing a routine would help me out.

That’s all for now!

012. Writing to Survive

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I bought my first official journal when I was eight years old. I purchased it with my allowance from The Disney Store in Tower City. It was pink and purple—my favorite colors at the time—and featured Princess Jasmine—my favorite Disney princess at the time. I couldn’t wait to get home to start recording my thoughts just like older girls did on television. I remember I sitting down at my Little Tykes desk with a pencil and going to work, pouring out my thoughts about the world as I knew it.

I’ve talked about how I’ve been writing since I was able to hold a crayon. How I would scribble my name or words on any piece of paper I could find. Sometimes those words turned into sentences. Sometimes those sentences became (unfinished) stories. For some reason, I’ve always found solace with a pen in my hand. It has been like a security blanket or a warm hug for so many years that I can’t imagine what it’s like not to write.

Writing has especially been a comfort in difficult times. I’ve mentioned the bullying I experienced in middle school here before and how I withdrew from many things but my words were the one thing I had. When the school days were long and tough, I knew I had worlds I created waiting for me when the final bell rang. My characters didn’t mind if my tears blurred their stories, they cheered me on—urging me to keep going. I was writing to survive.

As of May 2014, I’ve found myself writing to survive once more. Since the last time I blogged, my migraines have persisted. My diagnosed has gone from “migraine” to “chronic migraine.” In the last few months, I’ve had doctors’ appointments, hospital visits, and tons of absenteeism. I’m eternally grateful that my boss also has migraines and is empathetic to what I’m experiencing.

On my headache days, I feel like a legion of tiny dudes are kicking me in the head in Doc Martens. Sometimes the pain is so bad that I have a difficult time looking at my computer screen. Or worse, I can’t keep anything down (Note: puking at work isn’t fun, guys). There have been several days that I felt like giving up. Days where I can’t leave my bed because sitting upright intensifies the pain. Or nights where I stay up past midnight because the pain has me terrified to go to sleep because it might be the last time I wake up.

But through all this I’ve managed to write. Writing has been one of the few things to keep me from tapping out. My desire to see the stories I’m currently working on and those still floating around in my migraine-ridden brain make their way out into the world has kept me going. It has been one of my many coping strategies (others include: binging on Netflix and the comfort of tofu-based meals).

Has there been a time where you wrote to survive? If you feel like sharing, I’d really like to hear about your experience.